im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
