Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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