I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
