This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
