Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
