The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You need Xanax blowdarts
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
