I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So apparently I’m into choking now
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