I accidentally had phone sex last night
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
