Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
