glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
smell my finger.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
