I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
