i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
