If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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