i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
