i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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