you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
