Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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