just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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