apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
