you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
we're making bets on your personal life
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
