Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
