Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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