Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he just fucked me for my cheese..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
