Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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