yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
