Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
