I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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