I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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