Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
My first STD was from a foam party
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
