margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
