I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
