Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
