my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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