She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
