I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
