We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
