i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
