my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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