Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
