***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
