i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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