Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
