so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
