I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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