we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize