Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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