the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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