Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
how drunk are you?
Several
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
