hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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