I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
