my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
