oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
