someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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