Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
