I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
