Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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