I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
